Oof, being here alone really makes you sit with yourself and just think.
Think about all the events that led up to this moment.
When I first joined the Core at twelve, it actually felt so fun. The training unit was full of crazy Neptunian kids and we all stuck together. We stayed up late making up games, laughing at stupid things, and for once I felt like I belonged somewhere. I still have so many memories of those days, back before everything got so black and white.
It all changed when I was fifteen, I got assigned to the Observation Unit and everything I once knew was gone. My friends went off to different branches and I never got to see them again. Everything fell apart so quickly and was replaced with something I didn't feel unprepared for. My new unit was nothing like training. Everyone was so smart and moved quickly. During drills we’d always be timed and evaluated for how fast and efficient we were able to do things. Everyone else enjoyed doing drills and would always beat their personal records but me? I was last, every time, for every drill.
I remember after one of those sessions, everyone sat around comparing their times, hyping each other up, and making jokes I didn't understand. I tried to join in once, but the silence that followed me told me everything. At that moment I just knew I wasn't wanted here. From then on I just kept my mouth shut.
I tell myself it's over but even now, sitting here, I feel that queasy edge in my body, like the nerves are trying to crawl out of me. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm fifteen again.
Life is so slow-paced here, I can't help but dissociate sometimes.
I'm gonna go eat and watch the rainfall so I can be in the present moment again lol see ya
